Disclaimer: The content below is a work of satire.
By Matt Kruze | Reporter
Another year, another Olympic Games in the bag. Obviously, America crushed it. But something bothered me this year: In total, America earned just 121 medals, nearly doubling the second place China with 70 medals. I just can’t stand for that; we should definitely have quadrupled, maybe even quintupled those numbers. Needless to say, my American spirit is dead. But I believe I’ve found the solution for South Korea 2020: more Avon staff members in the Olympics. So I’ve comprised a list of teachers who I feel missed out on their opportunity this year at the Olympics, and who really could lead us to the future victories we so deserve.
Mrs. Schonhoff- Everyone who’s anyone knows Kelly Schonhoff’s love of the Hammer Throw Olympic event (if you want my opinion, I think she’s a little obsessed). So, it should come as no surprise that I feel she should represent us in the Hammer Throw event in the next Olympics. She has been training for this event every day after school at the soccer fields. “There’s nothing that makes me feel more alive than when I toss that hammer,” Schonhoff explained, a twinkle in her eye, “I know that it makes my great grandpappy so proud to see me follow my dream.” She also went on to explain how her great grandfather won gold at the Hammer Throw event 1,570 times, and she dedicates each throw to his memory.
Mr. Haiducu- Many have noted Paul Haiducu’s love of LARP. Whenever he isn’t being a physics master, Haiducu practices his sword skills with the local nerds under the pseudonym “Drake Malik, The Dark Duelist”. That’s why it is a no-brainer for me that Haiducu should represent us at next year’s Olympics in the Fencing category. The only problem I foresee is that Malik–excuse me, Haiducu, uses many magical spells when he LARPs. Many of the best fencers in the world only use a few spells, so his insistence on using the “Magic Missile” spell might need to be thrown to the wayside in order to make way for a more basic approach only using a foil–it would sure throw off the other fencers.
Mr. Caulton- Always a strange man, Caulton spoke to me a few days ago about his thoughts on the Olympic scene. “I’ve always been a Winter Olympics guy,” he said, “Basketball and soccer are cool, but nothing’s cooler than the Winter Olympics.” This pun was then followed by intense eyebrow wiggling, attempting to determine my reaction to the joke. In any case, Mr. Caulton does make a point, and I can’t think of a better sport for him to win the gold with than the chess of ice, Curling. The sport takes three key factors, determination, focus and a keen sweeping stroke, all three of which Caulton has in the bag. From what he’s told me, he’s been practicing curling every single day for the past decade, and the man deserves to have that hard work pay off.
Señor Emmons- Jared Emmons is a true beast in every sense of the word. When I asked him what his Olympic sport would be, he could hardly wait to tell me: Fighting. Taekwondo, Judo, Boxing, all of it. “I have been wrestling bears in the forest since I was three,” he said. “I have a double black belt in every martial art, and my training regime consists of punching down 3-5 trees, blindfolded, every morning before breakfast.” So, I definitely think he should step up to the oche. His signature “Ubícate Piledriver” move is a true knock-out blow, and has won him the WWE World Championship twice. It would be an easy gold for the US.
Mr. Borcherding- Sometimes people are born with the talent to be in the Olympics, and other times it’s Maybelline. Borcherding has both the talent and drive to be a champion in the category of: what else? Weightlifting. In fact, I have it on good authority that he regularly benches 450 lbs and once deadlifted 5 freshmen. “I use a whole lot of smoke and mirrors to pull off my normal trendy look,” he explained. In all actuality, Borcherding has rippling muscles that would put The Rock to shame, and a set of Conan-esque golden locks he keeps under a very expensive wig. The way he’s going, he’s set to break the world and Olympic record in 15 different categories, at the same time.
Mr. Gamble- Ever since he was a young lad, Richard Gamble wanted but one thing: to become an Olympic basketball star. “I’ve been ballin’ on fools since before you were born, son,” he said. “Nothin’ makes me happier than makin’ buckets and dunkin’ on anyone who squares up to this greatness.” Gamble then proceeded to challenge me to a 1-on-1 match, but I declined, as by the time I had said no, he had already scored 14 points on me and had made three dunks by jumping from the three-point line. With him on our side, America could be led to gold once again. What am I saying? Of course we’ll get gold with him on our side!
Mrs. Leahy- As my final pick for the Avon Olympic team, I must pick Amanda Leahy. I happened to walk in on her one day as she was practicing her yoga maneuvers, and decided immediately where she would best be suited: Balance Beam. Leahy’s balance is impeccable. I asked her to balance fifteen pencils on their ends in her hands, and her response was “Why not sixteen?” Leahy says she’s been a practitioner of both Tai Chi and Meditation for many years. “I once balanced myself on a lily pad in a pond without disturbing the water,” she said, “I hold the world record for longest time spent balanced on one finger, as well.” Someone this calm and tranquil could not possibly fail at this event, I feel. A gold is in our future, as long as she can pass into the iris. Namaste, Mrs. Leahy, Namaste.
By my estimate, these athletes could power America through to a future full of gold medals and of world acclaim. And maybe, just maybe, we can finally have a country that we can be proud of.