Matthew Barton | Design Editor
The nation mourns today as heartbreaking news is spread about one of America’s greatest icons. It was officially announced that the famous spokesperson for Planters Peanuts, Mr. Peanut, has died in a tragic accident. The announcement came from the official Estate of Mr. Peanut Twitter account.
“It is with heavy hearts that we confirm that Mr. Peanut has died at 104. In the ultimate selfless act, he sacrificed himself to save his friends when they needed him most. Please pay your respects with #RIPeanut” (The Estate of Mr. Peanut Twitter account.)
Despite the tragic news of the passing of one of our nation’s greatest heroes, it should be known that Mr. Peanut’s death was not in vain. Rather, it was a play that would have made even Iron Man proud. Mr. Peanut may not have wielded the Infinity Gauntlet with the power of all the stones, but his sacrifice shall live in our hearts, memes, and history books.
Mr. Peanut was accompanied by Wesley Snipes and Matt Walsh while taking a scenic road trip in the mountains. As the trio was cruising down the road (and enjoying a delicious snack of Planters Peanuts,) they encountered an armadillo in the middle of the road. Seeing how the animal would not be able to get out of the road in time, the valiant Mr. Peanut jumped into action. Without hesitation, Mr. Peanut swerved the NUTmobile and crashed through the railing of the road.
Wesley Snipes, Matt Walsh, and Mr. Peanut were thrown from the car and the road. As if by some sort of divine intervention, the triad was narrowly saved by a tree growing out of the side of the mountain. As the three breathed a sigh of relief, the branch began to crack! Snipes and Walsh once again were fearing for their lives. Mr. Peanut, staying as calm as a sentient-legume can possibly be, looked first at his friends, and then at the ground below.
Both concerned for their friend, Snipes and Walsh began to plead Mr. Peanut not to do anything rash. Knowing that his weight was the reason for their seemingly nearing demise, Mr. Peanut made the sacrifice. He was willing to lay down on the wire. This was his endgame. With one last tip of his hat, the beloved peanut let go of his iconic cane. Mr. Peanut, as he fell to his demise, gave a smile to his friends. His classy top hat drifted away in the wind.
And just when you thought your tears would stop, there’s still one final tear-jerking detail of his tragic death. Mr. Peanut landed on his custom NUTmobile which then laid at the bottom of the mountain depths. As his fragile protein-packed body hit the shell of his car, both the fancy automobile and Mr. Peanut went up in a fiery explosion.
Mr. Peanut shall go down in history as one of the bravest heroes in the world. His legacy will be honored and remembered as Planters looks to find a new spokesperson. At the time of his death, Mr. Peanut was 104 years old. His funeral is scheduled for the third quarter of this year’s Super Bowl.