Avon Echo Finds Perfect Solution to COVID-19 at Avon (STAFF EDITORIAL)

As the number of positive COVID-19 cases rise in the Avon community, we here at Avon Echo took it upon ourselves to create some plausible solutions to the pandemic in educational settings.

As we all know, a child’s education is definitely more important than the health of themselves and their families. Why would switch to e-Learning if in-person instruction is clearly still the most viable option?

Per Avon’s guidelines, a student is safe from another’s germs as long as they don’t have 15 straight minutes of contact with an infected individual. The solution to this problem is quite easy: switch seating charts every 14 minutes.

This immaculate plan saves students from the germs and bacteria surrounding them. The one minute makes all the difference.

For an 85 minute class period, a teacher just needs to make six alternating seating charts. For our 137 minute lunch class periods, just bump it up to 10 alternating seating charts.

When would teachers have the time to make these seating charts, you may ask? They should obviously be expected to give up their prep time.

I mean, who cares? Teachers are already giving that time up anways, since they’re substituting for other sick staff members.

What’s another task or two? We at the Avon Echo see this as a very easy and reasonable plan.

Along with eliminating the fear of being quarantined for two weeks, it would help students stand up and get their muscles moving throughout classes.

It’s also a great opportunity for students to expand their social circle, which is now limited because all of their friends are in quarantine. Who likes sitting in the same seat for that long anyways?

Now, we understand the topic of guns in schools is a sensitive one. However, we want to pitch one gun that is allowed for open carry on campus: a temperature gun.

Now, hear us out.

Teachers would all get a government-issued temperature gun with a laser-point sight. Think your student seems a bit feverish? Just point the gun at their head and do a scan!

If the student does have a temperature that is considered a fever, simply kick them out of class. No questions asked. We don’t care if the kid was just hot simply because their  classroom is hot, or because they just got out of gym. If it’s higher than 100.4 degrees Fahrenheit, then they’re gone! Out! Poof!

Where would the funding for this solution come from? Obviously, it’ll be taken from the sports boosters fund. Don’t worry, student athletes – your money is going towards a wonderful cause.

Actually, wait! Avon has a strict gun policy, so scratch that idea.

During the school day, there is only one period of time where students are given strict permission to remove their masks: lunch.

This is a 28 minute period of no masks. Now, we could apply the same ‘move every 14 minutes’ ideology in this situation, but lunch should be a time to relax!

A healthy body needs a well-rounded diet, and we can’t propose students skip lunch to cut down on the spread.

No, the answer is something many already drink: a smoothie. Packed with vegetables, fruits, and dairy (or, a dairy-substitute), a student could drink their calories in a quick five minute chug!

The brain freezes might be uncomfortable, but you know what is even more uncomfortable? A ventilator.

Through the many studies being done, we know that the virus is primarily spread through airborne particles that escape through a person’s nose or mouth. Masks help keep these small droplets contained, but it’s not all fool-proof.

All it takes is one thin, faulty mask for those droplets to escape and reach another student.

But, don’t worry, because we’ve thought this one through as well: everyone takes timed breaths!

Anyone who’s taken statistics should’ve thought of this one already: a teacher could simply randomly number each student in a class.

Each numbered student could get one minute to breathe, and then the next in line gets their minute and so forth. You can hold your breath, right?

Alternatively, the school could give each student their own oxygen tank to carry around for the school day.

By simply putting the tubes in your nose, you can ensure you’re breathing clean, fresh air! Not that dirty, COVID-19 infested air.

Finally, let’s all wear hazmat suits as school issued uniforms. This will help protect your whole, entire body from COVID-19, and the other nasty germs covering the surfaces of the building.

Now, a hazmat suit isn’t the cheapest option, but buying in bulk will surely cut the costs down.

Avon can get a discount on about 3,000 hazmat suits, right? With a suit, the need for masks would be eradicated, and then all of our noses can be free from the cloth prison we have all been subjected too.

Well, some noses are already free. You know who you are. Do better.

All in all, beating this pandemic is simply a piece of cake! It’s actually not as hard as we think.

Take it from us, a bunch of journalism students: with a little extra precaution, we could go back to normal overnight.

The solutions are easy. Online school obviously just isn’t the answer.

Illustration by Mira Branham

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